i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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