Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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