Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
