So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
the raccoons are back...
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