nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
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