My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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