we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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