I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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