Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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