When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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