I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
