Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
