so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
