Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
