if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
