I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
