hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
