Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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