I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
