If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
