How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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