I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
