i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize