1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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