Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
