i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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