my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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