Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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