I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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