I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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