I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
