Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
