I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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