We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
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Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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