I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
