End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
