hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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