GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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