Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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