i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
