My cat gives me a boner
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
