My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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