I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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