I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
