highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
