There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
