Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
