Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Mom said you looked used
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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