if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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