Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
We smell like vodka and hangover
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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