I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
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Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
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im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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