i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
