Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
