There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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